I’ve been contemplating: Is it time to close your accounts? I could not bring myself to shut your phone line. I kept repeating the voicemails you left on my phone. And there were not many either. I am afraid to lose them.
You only have five voice messages on my phone B. And one message you left was intentional. You wanted me to have one just in case nobody remembers to call or even leave a message.
One voicemail you left was by accident. Nevertheless, I was happy. I can hear background noises while you drive.
Are you proud of me? I am driving your car? I know you got frustrated when I scraped it but, I remember you told me after that incident; “It’s just a car, your the most important thing to me. As long as you are ok”.
I miss you reprimanding me. Missing you asking me if I ate already. Missing you worrying about me.
One message is you saying “hello” in the background. You were waiting for me to pick up my phone. And in my crazy response, I said “hello” everytime I play it back. This is one of those days. I can’t breathe.
I come to realize we never had a conversation using your actual voice since you got intubated. I always read your lips. And you were very patient whenever I couldn’t understand.
I had to ask you to repeat and spell it out. So frustrating for me to see you suffer for that too.
The only time I could hear words from you is when you have air leaks, I treasure them each time. I miss it everyday. I miss your voice. The first thing you would say is my name “Bek…”, “Bek”, and followed by “I love you!”.
The sound of your voice was music to my ears each time.
I miss hearing your voice. I miss you.
I will always remember B. I love you, Joygi!